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CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
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